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State of the Union (or: Walk, Don't Drive)
Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Last night during his State of the Union address our president said that we, America, are addicted to oil. I think he might be onto something. And even though he immediately backed off that comment, I still have faith. After all, denial is the hallmark of addiction.

Because I have faith, I have a proposal -- an initiative, of sorts. If you are an American and you do not own a car, you should get a tax break. I don't own a car and goddamnit if that doesn't entitle me to a little money back from Uncle Sam. I'm not just being greedy, I have good bipartisan reasons.

On the left: I'm doing my part to preserve the environment by not polluting the air.

In the middle: I'm saving everyone money by staying healthy. Because I walk everywhere, I keep my vital signs in check and prolong my life. As such, I'm doing my part to keep rising health care costs from rising that much faster.

On the right: I'm being fiscally conservative -- I'm saving my money and investing it into other sectors of the economy rather than giving it to, say, BP which isn't even an American company.

Every year I don't own a car, I get $1,000 from the IRS. I can either spend that money -- churn it back into the economy, as the Bush economic theory goes -- or I can save it up (which is good for all of us, given that American savings are at their lowest level since the Great Depression). If I'm carless for five years in a row, I get $1,500. After ten years, the reward is capped at $1,750.

Aside from all the aforementioned benefits of this infusion of money into the American economy, it may also help fund and thus expand public transportation. And that means everyone else pays less in local taxes!

Even if you're not with me so far, if you can't see the point of rewarding the carless, I will take it one step further. Give me a tax break and throw in a "New Car Incentive." American car companies, all two of them, are going through some hard times. They're bleeding money, they're laying off American workers and cutting everyone's retirement packages. Bill Ford is on TV every night pleading for mercy and what could be more merciful than tax breaks? For every carless American who uses the Carless Tax Break to buy a new American car, the car manufacturer throws in a sunroof and a CD player!

Come on, America. Reward the carless or at least bribe them into buying a car and supporting the economy. Let's address the soft bigotry of low emission.

Walk, don't drive -- it's better for everyone.

::


Mixed Bag
Monday, January 30, 2006

I am again driving legally. Today was the day I paid off a very over-due speeding ticket and received a new drivers license. My photo is about 10 times more flattering than my last license photo where I resembled a corpse. However, I still don't think it looks like me.

I believe I might be S.A.D. According to an article on MSN, I may be afflicted with this condition. I had suspected it before, but now I'm pretty positive. The article begins like this: "It happens at the same time every year: Your girlfriend who is so frisky and fun-loving during the spring, summer, and early fall reacts to the end of Daylight Savings Time like an eight-year-old mourning the loss of her pet hamster. She starts eating more, becomes cranky and argumentative, and by the time mid-winter rolls around, all she wants to do is sit on the couch and watch TV. When you ask about her odd behavior, all she says is something vague like I hate the winter. It's more likely that she's having a bout of Seasonal Affective Disorder (or S.A.D.), a temporary depression triggered by lack of sunlight during the darkest time of the year."

Symptoms are: "S.A.D. is marked by crying jags, extreme moodiness, and lack of sex drive, among other symptoms."

I don't want to be S.A.D. anymore.

Today I was struck with how slowly government workers work. At the courthouse, the post office and the DMV. It's really very odd. Customer service is not stressed in government desk jobs. I'd like to see these people work at an inside sales position with their rather large behinds and love of ignoring people that are staring right at them.

A friend just found out that her 2.5 year old son was taken into a dark bathroom (so cameras wouldn't record) at his pre-school and hit by his teacher. He was also abused in other ways, physically and emotionally. How do you find the strength to not hurt the teacher?

Tomorrow night at Natasha's Cafe there is a very special performance by a special guy. A Marine guy that went to Iraq, came back and then came out of the closet on CNN with Paula Zahn. Lance Corporal Jeff Key has put together a one-man show about his time in Iraq, drawing almost all of the material from the journals he kept while in Iraq. Some of the reviews he has received are:

"His performance really soars...He'll be an unstoppable force."
-L.A. Weekly

"Monumentally epic...Could some day change the world."
-Backstage West

"A powerful one-man show...From humor to outrage in the blink of an
eye."
-The Advocate

He'll be at Natasha's Cafe tomorrow night (Tuesday) for one night only in his one-man show. Call for reservations 859-259-2754.

I had other things to say, but I can't seem to recall them. Perhaps they were unimportant.

Oh! I'm moving Saturday, who wants to help carry my furniture?

::


Menudo (not the boy band the soup)
Saturday, January 21, 2006


Well, today is the day; the day of digestive cow parts. I was given this menudo soup spice mix for Christmas and have decided to see how much of our most favored animal (next to the horse of course) is truly edible. I will place three quarts fresh water and 3 1/2 pounds fresh trip in a Dutch oven and see where things end in four to six hours. By the way, don't worry I will remember to remove the foot and discard. Cheers, Chief Jonathan

::


bam, kazam or kaboom
Thursday, January 19, 2006

As the lexicon project is formulating our gesture for the next year I decided to actually be productive.
I was on a quest for the best Baguette in town, Le Matin; and as I was on my bike; well, really my friends bike I had borrowed; I passed the Kroger's. I decided it was time for a change in my lifestyle.
After months of making excuses,
and blaming other people for my ills,
I went entered Kroger determed to change my life.

I was going to find those scrubbing bubbles that clean your entire house and look so happy.
Well much to my dismay they came in a spray can and looked overly expensive. So I was left deciding between the all-purpose cleaners. As far as I could tell I had three choices:
BAM
KABOOM
and KAZAM

I spent the same amount of time in the cleaning isle as I do in the mayonnaise isle; whipped? lite? miracle? strange spellings that differ from the rest of the jars?

I went with the BAM, it had a purple bottle with a neon orange handle (as well as being on sale). I was happy with the foaming action as I cleaned my desk. I then knocked the bottle on the floor, braking the foaming handle and now have some bam that neither foams or squirts. All I have is an iridescence red liquid that burns my hands.
For all our readers I think now might be the time to announce that once my hands burn off I will no longer be able to gesture, and obviously will never clean again.

::



The Lexicon Project is a one year portrait of Lexington, KY.

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